it was a strange day … i was so enthusiastic about this project, I have hardly worked the entire weekend to shape the project and have a touchable overview for the entire stuff …. not without satisfaction, at least during the moments of my work … then there were the times when i thought all this is useless and there will be no use of it … just hard work … and wasted time …. now I have finished the project and we started working to make everything happen … but I can’t stop fill the hole that i feel inside … the empty warm darkness … I had tried to cry … I have made hard efforts I wanted to take out all the darkness inside, but it won’t leave me … and it digs … it digs deeper and deeper. I have met and spoke with lots of people that appreciate me and were very enthusiastic about the project  …. or at least they seemed so, and I have spoke with lumi who was so happy for her little baby … I have met , after a long time the beggar in Victoria square that gave me an umbrella … we spoke a lot, he told me he noticed I didn’t visited him anymore and that he missed me … then … I think I have done everything I should have done in the office .. .for the first time … I was efficient and efficiently used my time and had everything finished before thirty minutes past seven …. but now more then ever I felt the emptiness like a cancer digging inside myself … first it as like a hole in the stomach …. but this was back then … after the new year’s eve …. now … now I can’t fell myself … I feel myself like a waste that I have to carry with me each day … I feel the hole chocking me … it took my lungs and won’t let me brave …. I have started this year feeling like I lost a part of me … he now took what was rest of me … and now there is nothing more to be taken … there is nothing more to be ….

now … more then ever I have the feeling of not belonging to this place … I feel so usless … I see the people in the factory conshiously doing their work … hopping everything will go fine and will be able to bring the new machine to work … they have expectations from that machine and they do their best to make it work and then get a profit from all this … I feel like doing nothing but waste … i feel like I am a cancer for all  the other people and being a cancer for myself … I .. thought I won’t let anyone hurt me … and I’m doing my best … but I’m … I’m not