05.29.09
warm darkness
I have looked towards future … there were nothing there … only warm darkness, the darkness of our ignorance, of our selfishness, of our daily brainwash which we call existence, life, happiness or many other names …. i got scared …what is the meaning of all this? why darkness? why have we became the people that we are? why are we always in a hurry?
I know I will someday leave … i will leave in search of the meanings for all these. i might nevver come back …. this should be the meaning of the darkness …
05.06.09
half cat …
i use to have odd dreams … from time to time, some may say it is a good sign, that my mind is awake all the time and is working … some may say it’s a sign i’m going insane … i may say “I can’t go insane! i already am!”
this time I haven’t dreamed my usual brain surgery, nooooooo, i had this two times … so i think my brain is alright now, safe and sound … my latest odd dream was .. it was about a cat … it seamed i had a half of cat … yes a half of a cat … not metaphorical … not that i thought it was a half of a cat … but it really was a half of a cat – the front part, the one with the head …. creepy? funny? insane? … i do not know …i only knew i had a half of a cat … in my dream i felt guilty, it seemed it was my fault for being cut … i do not know how it happened. in my dream i knew the entire story … it seemed there were two cats, sister cats, and there wanted to escape from something, and there were running, the first one had escaped, but my little kity was cut into two pieces … and i had in my hands that half of cat … and it was still alive … it did not bleed … but neither was it healed … i could clearly see its bones, its organs … its blood … it had only the front legs … and i kept holding it into m arms … i would have kept it into my arms forever … and it was pooling my clothes with its tiny claws …and din’t let go of me … i didn’t knew what to do … the strange think is i knew it didn’t hurt it too much … or maybe it didn’t hurt it at all … but it wouldn’t let me go … nor did i let go of it … but i knew its life would be a torment … and it couldn’t live like that …. and in my dream i was taking it to be killed and end its suffer …. i do not know whether it was killed in the end or not … i know everyone was asking me why would i want it to be killed … and was asking myself … can’t you see it suffer? i can’t let it suffer … it had suffered enough … i have to do it …..
i o not know what i had in mind when i went to bed … and how did i ended dreaming half of cats …. i know that if i would say this to anyone … it would say i’m out of my mind …. and i would answer … i’m only mad when the wind blows north – west … and i’m normal when south – east … i have a compass … i should check which side the wind blows ….
this town
this town is my town … so fucking glamourous …. i bet you lived there if you could to one of us ….
05.02.09
o portie de “sarmale reci”
i can’t say i’m a very big fan of “sarmalele reci”, but I have always enjoyed the felling of their concerts … is like returning somewhere back in time, into an other life you wished you lived!
I went last night to see them in “Clubul Taranului Roman”, for a couple of reasons … first because i wanted to see them; second because it was saturday night … and i got bored at home …third …. because i wanted to take revenge on him …. it made me feel better …is stupid and i know … is just that made me feel better to start moving on, and trying to leave the memories behind …. together with a long list of unsuccessful attempts to have a relation. I have made a decision last night … that i will never be tolerant again, i think this was the main mistake i made! i was too tolerant, and i have accepted less, when i should have asked for everything. i have made a decision last night. i will never accept compromise anymore. it should be everything or nothing. i will never trust anyone anymore (not that i have trusted someone by now … but it seems i was right not to trust); and no sentimental involvement … but return to “Sarmalele Reci”, because they were the topic for my post.
So, i have went for the concert which was supposed to start at 21.00 hours … but it only have started somewhere at 22.00 maybe few minutes before 22.00. there were few persons in the club … at first less then 20 persons … until he end i think there were around 40 persons … maybe 50 … but it was quite ok, there ore mainly rockers and people that you usually met in fire or at rock concerts! the sound was surprisingly good … the room has also a good acoustic … but i think maybe the sound for the instruments was a little too loud …. louder then the voice of Zoltan … but i think this is a professional defect, because i’m used to analyze the details of a concert, because of my job . i am very sorry i didn’t take my camera … it would have seemed i had a reason for being in there – i came for the performance and had to take some pictures for an article that i should have write for a magazine – this way i wouldn’t have looked like i would have searched for company …from anyone … I don’t get it … why anytime i try to get out alone … someone will think i would need any company … i got out alone, because i wanted to be alone with my thoughts …. for the next week i will definitely take my camera … I can’t wait … Luna Amara will have a concert for promoting their new album in Silver Church on Friday! I will definitely be there … probably still alone … i don’t think Sandra would like the music … but maybe adi would come …. but then again … i don’t think i would like to go with adi … but back to sarmalele reci … actually i didn’t expected to be this good! It was very nice … very noisy … not that it should have been a problem … en contraire … i missed this kind of performances …. this reminds’ me about nine inch nails …….. I’m thrilled … i can’t express it in words … and i can’t wait to get there …. in the end , i think i’ll be fine … i kind of got used to having relations that doesn’t work … i can’t wait the next one …. fuck … at least now i know what to expect from it …. and should buy lots of ice cream … or tickets for noisy rock performances
well after a very hot night with a portion of sarmale reci i’ll come with the update from luna amara or bitter moon or however they want to call themselves! it’s funny … eventhought they are one of my favorite bands, the last performance i have been to … it was somewhere in the first year of faculty it was in a Saturday, I had a class of informatics, when my sister called me and told me there will be a performance of luna amara in Targoviste … i was thrilled … I run from the class directly into the train and been at home just before the performance … it was so beautiful …. then we were still the four of us with roxi and corina … i miss those times … i remember the times when me and roxi were staying on the ruins in the park … and promised we would be best friends for ever … i haven’t seen her since the 4 years …..
05.01.09
1st of may
it was the first of may, today! everyone celebrated the laborer’s day – by taking a break out of work … of course, and have went to the sea side to celebrate the opening of the summer season on the see! everyone left in a rush from the office yesterday, they all had plans to go on short hollyday, and have fun! …. everyone, less …. someone!
I walked home, i love walking from office to Victoria square, there are the trees, and parks, and Kiseleff avenue is lighted like a palace on a ball night! there are so many beautiful buildings, with yards, and lightening bulbs, lightening the way.
I have decided to spend this short hollday by drawing, and freeing my head from any thoughts … i didn’t wanted to think about anything. I simply want to put an end to everything and leave far … as far as i can. but i won’t. at list not yet! and the only escape from everything would be in my mind!
i went in the parc today, to draw … i wanted to brave air … or, lets say some different air, some air from the other side of the city! so I went to Carol park – i thought it would be less populated then the others – cismigiu i like very much, but it is so small and so crowded … it seems like all the population of bucharest has gathered in there to stay and watch nothing! so i went in carol park, which is huge and far … it was also very populated, but you could still have found a small place for you and your thoughts, so i stood there, on a hill – without realizing i had the crematory behind myself … after a while, behind me there was a boy, and he was calling after his friend … saying that he feels ill and he is not felling very well … first i didn’t react, and took things as there were … he was simply a child in the parc calling for his friend. but he insisted, and insisted, and continued calling … and then i turned to him … i still can’t explain how i was able to keep calm … he was full of blood … and bleeding … his hand was full of blood … first i hought he should have been a roller and he felt and have scratch himself …. he was full of blood on the face, on his clothes, …. and the hand …. it was flesh and blood ….
I wanted to call the ambulance , but he didn’t wanted and he was trying to leave, but he couldn’t even speak or walk … it seemed he felt into a window glass … and cut his hand …. he had more then 10 deep cuts on the forearm …. finally his friend finally came, and …. he was even worse then this little guy … he was amazed by the sight and started taking pictures in order to place them on hi5 … i was stunned ….. and didn’t know what to do … they left to wash the boy’s arm …. and after a while they returned …. the boy was speaking loud … so i have hared all their conversation … he was trying to tell his friend that he sow a mouse … and he went after the mouse and then he felt and cut himself … and afterward someone … i think it was a friend of his pushed him with the head into a tree … and so his head was hurting also … i noticed he couldn’t speak very well … and started being dizzy … he stood down on the stone stairs … and then i went to him. i had some wet tissues with me and i offered to wash a little his face … and then i sow his arm …. i had to close my eyes and try to keep my senses … i think he wasn’t felling anything anymore … maybe because the pain … or i can’t imagine how he wasn’t in terrible pain …. I tried to clean the blood on his face …, and kept talking to him to see what was his condition … and i had the opportunity to see him … he had a ring on each part of his face … two in his lips, one or two in the nose, he had one ring in the left eyebrow and the piercing in the other … his hair was painted in lots of colors – red and yalow mainly, and had a hat over it … the hair was also filled with blood … he had scares all over the head and over his arms … the left arm, which was bleeding was the most harmed … i wandered weather he attempted suicide, because he had lots of healed cuts on the hand … on the right arm, he had a large tattoo … his clothes were expensive, but there were filed with recent dirt and blood … he was young, i thought he should have been 14, 15 years old, bet he was almost 17 – ha should be 17 the next month 
I tried to clean his face, but had cuts on the neck, and he hit his head … and it hurt him … and he was so dirty … that i didn’t knew where i should start and what should i clean first … and hurt him … i still wanted to call the ambulance, but he didn’t wanted, then he started his story:
it seemed he had just left the hospital the day before … he told me he went in the hospital … after an overdose … the third on the last couple of months, and he didn’t wanted to go there anymore! he had lots of accidents, he cut himself a couple of times, he was beaten, and he had one nerve smashed, after been hit with the head of the street … i asked him “what about his parents …” and he told me his parents are most of the time out of the country, working abroad …. he told me he got drunk the night before … and this was probably the reason why he felt with his hand on that window … but now he was awake … after he was hit with the head of the tree! … i didn’t knew how to react … the good thing was that he wasn’t bleeding anymore … but the wounds looked bad … very bad … i knew that if i had called the ambulance he would have run … so I stood there and cleaned his face … I told him he should cover the hand or he would get infected … he told me he had no other money then the money for the drugs … and he needed the them … i didn’t knew what to do … we were in the middle of the park and there were no place where i could buy something to cover tie his cut …. I have lived him the wet tissues, and left to my drawing … he came afterwords to thank me for the help, and stood with me for a while, and he told me about his adventurous life … i didn’t wanted to give him any good advice, i know he didn’t wanted to here them, and i just told him to be a little more careful and as a joke, to try to stay alive …
after a while, his friend … which I am sure he had drugs, because he was so absurd … he was 25 years old, very thin, all dressed in black, and had lots of piercing …. called him, because some other friends of them came to go for a beer … he got up, he was a little better, and they left for the beer … i was stunned ….
I still can’t imagine how he wasn’t in terrible pain .. .as his entire hand was covered with deep cuts … and lost a lot of blood …. i hope he is fine now … or at least a little bether … i felt sorry for him … and blame his parents for his life … poor child …
