there are times when I need to hear someone saying something interesting, something new … and maybe not even new, but simply new to me …

my work in L.A. ENTERTAINMENT INTL. isn’t working … at all. I was too naive to think that Bogdan realized he was wrong  when he wanted me back … I thought he changed, but he didn’t he is worse, and our collaboration is getting worser and worser every day! I sometimes believe the only reason he wants me there is to have someone to insult, to mock and blame for all the bad things there are happening in that company …

I am more and more frustrated about this job, I am frustrated about the things I have to do and bare; I am frustrated because I am thinking I have allowed him to treat me this way, and because of what I’ve become because of this job! I used to have high expectations, high ambitions and the enthusiasm and energy to fulfill all these expectations I had … now I’m empty … a simple shadow of what I have been … searching for an identity, searching for a future. I have no hope and no expectations of my future. I simply want to finish studies … and take advantage of the first opportunity to get away from that place … as soon as possible! I want to find myself again in art, in painting and drawing, and photograph! I want to have someone to smile at me,  and not telling me I am no good for anything, that I can’t do anything right … I want back that person I was two years ago, when I was so proud of myself that I was a “manager assistant” with no money in my pockets ! I had no idea what “manager assistant”  meant! I felt like the hole world was at my fits and nothing bad could happen … I miss that naive and innocent girl … where is she …

I have no trust in people anymore, I didn’t want to see and meet anybody for our graduation … I haven’t even been at the festivity! I have read the post on the blog of phoebs (http://www.phoebs.ro/)  about how she sow her graduation party, how she felt and experienced that day, I am not saying I wished to be in hes shoes … I didn’t and I don’t … but I cannot see myself fitting that picture … I couldn’t see myself fitting the picture of my own graduation!

I haven’t told my parents about this, I haven’t told them about the graduation festivity, when everyone came with friends, and parents, and … they celebrated graduating university … I …. simply moved on as it would have been an ordinary day …. and if I can remember well I even had a fight with Bogdan – which again, it happens every day!

I am trying as much as possible to avoid talking with Bogdan – just to avoid any further insult and nerves … and screaming and yawling. I will try  to just do my job … the best I can and avoid conflict … maybe it will work, and for the rest of my days in LA ENTERTAINMENT things will go …. formal! It is not the job I want, and I will not even try to keep it … actually my relation with Bogdan is so bad, that I even question myself why the fuck is he still keeping me in the office! It is of no good for him, nor for me, neither for the company! True! And sometimes all the stupid things I’m doing, are simply for revenge ! I will only saty here until I will make some order into my life – meaning finishing my exams, finding a home and moving out, and then finding a new job! I will be no easy job! I know, but I will manage it!

I can’t stop questioning myself why have I came back?  why didn’t I simply walked away, and never came back? is it that important the blackberry mobile phone I am offered, and a laptop … and some vain promises? Is it this all I’m worthing? Well I think I worth a lot more! And I intend to search for my true value! but I’ll have to work for it ……. and leave behind forever this company!